1. Do you have a problem area or concern about your child? Describe the problem in a few sentences.

2. What do you want changed so if the child did it you would think there is no longer any problem? What is your goal for your child? or what is the solution to the problem? Describe in very concrete specific terms.

3. What are some of your beliefs why your child can't or won't do what you want him/her to do?

4. If you were to implement some straight forward concrete interventions to solve the problem, did not back off from the problem and then escalated the situation to a solution, what do you think would be the worst things that could happen?

a. To you?

1.

2.

3.

b. To your child?

1.

2.

3.

5. If you were using "any solutions" to the problem, what are some of the reasons why you think it would not or could not work? What are some road blocks or obstacles in your way to prevent you from achieving the goal or solution for your child?

These are some of the things parents and teachers say and do when the child acts inappropriately and when they don't believe the child is capable of acting appropriately. These unclear teacher or parent communications really say to the child, "Keep doing the inappropriate behavior."

1. IGNORE THE BEHAVIOR, HOPING IT WILL GO AWAY.

Implication: If I act like this isn't happening, it will stop.

2. ENCOURAGE THE BEHAVIOR

"Do that again. I dare you."

"I would like to see you try that again."

Implication: I would like you to continue the behavior so I can show you what will happen to you.

3. Demand behaviors or behavioral goals which do not focus on the real problem and which, in fact, encourage the continuation of inappropriate behavior. For example:

a. HONESTY ABOUT SYMPTOM

"Just tell me the truth about it."

"No kid of mine lies to me, tell me the truth."

Implication: They are more interested in the truth than in stopping the behavior that the child has to lie about.

b. CONCERN ABOUT SYMPTOM

"Aren't you even sorry you did it?"

"Tell your sister you're sorry you hit her."

Implication: It's more important for the student to feel remorse than to change the inappropriate behavior.

c. FACING THE PROBLEM

"If you will just face up to the problem!"

"You have a problem young man and you better face up to it."

Implication: Facing the problem, whatever that might mean, is more important than eliminating it by changing the inappropriate behavior.

d. EFFORT TO CHANGE

"If you will just make an effort - try."

"Try to get to class on time."

Implication: It's more important to try to change than

to achieve a real change. Make it look like you're straining.

e. WILLINGNESS TO DISCUSS REASONS

"Tell me why you did it."

"Talk to me. What would possess you to do something that stupid?"

Implication: The child can and should continue the behavior, but should talk more freely about his/her reasons for it.

f. THINKING ABOUT BEHAVIOR

"Just think before you act."

"Think twice before you do that again."

Implication: The child is to continue the behavior but contemplate it each time before acting out.

g. WILLINGNESS TO LEARN AND/OR ACCEPT HELP

"You have to be open to new experiences. You have to be self-motivated and willing to learn." "If you would just let me help you, I'm sure we could solve this problem."

Implications: You do not have to change the inappropriate behavior until you are open, cooperative and motivated. Until that time, it is not necessary to act appropriately.

h. LEARN FROM THE EXPERIENCE

"Keep that up and you'll learn that crime doesn't pay."

"I guess you'll have to learn from the school of hard knocks."

Implication: Keep up the behavior, but learn from it. (Unfortunately, children with behavior problems seem to be slow learners.)

i. DON'T GET CAUGHT

"Just don't ever let me catch you doing that again."

"I don't want to hear that type of language again."

Implication: Continue the behavior, but don't get caught doing it.

4. ABSTRACT, MEANINGLESS DIRECTIONS

"Use common sense." "Don't give the teacher too hard a time." "Grow up." "Be mature." "Work up to your potential." "Have a nice day." "If you loved your sister, you wouldn't hit her".

Implication: If you don't have the quality specified (common sense, love, maturity), it's OK to behave inappropriately. Each abstract term needs to be operationally defined in concrete specific terms.

5. STATEMENTS OF FACTS

"I see you didn't bring your papers and pencils to class again." "You're not sitting in your seat today." "You're acting out again."

Implication: The adult is just providing obvious information rather than demanding a change. This presumes that the child is unaware of the information and needs to be informed before he/she can change.

6. CLASSIFICATION SYSTEMS

"You're a bad boy." "You're a thief." "What a tomboy!" "You're lazy."

Implication: These classifications are established facts. There's nothing the child can do to change.

7. QUESTIONS

"How many times do I have to tell you?" "Why did you do that?" "What did I do to deserve a child like you?" "How long do you plan to continue misbehaving?"

Implication: The child can continue the behavior as long as he/she provides an answer to the questions.

8. PREDICTIONS

"You'll flunk out of school." "You'll never grow up." "You're going to spend your life in jail." "You'll never amount to anything."

Implication: Keep up the behavior in order to fulfill the prophecy. The outcome has been predetermined.

9. IF-THEN CONTRACTS

"If you do these ten problems,then you'll get..." "If you do that one more time, I'll..." "X" then "Y".

Implication: The child has a choice; either alternative is acceptable.

10. PUNISHMENTS

"If you do that again, I'll send you to the office." "You'll get a spanking if you don't stop that."

Implication: It's OK to misbehave if you are willing to pay the price.

11. WISHES, WANTS AND SHOULDS

"I wish you wouldn't." "You should know better." "I want you to..."

Implication: The adult is merely stating a preference which the child is free to disregard.

12. REASONING, INSPIRING, EXPLAINING, LONG LECTURES

Implication: The child doesn't really understand his behavior or have complete insight into the implications of his behavior. He needs to have it explained to him repeatedly.

13. NON-VERBAL COMMENTS ABOUT BEHAVIOR

a. INCONGRUENT POSITIVE NON-VERBALS

Smiling, affection, nodding head, laughing while or when the child misbehaves.

Implication: The adult is ambivalent about a demand for change.

b. INDIRECT MESSAGES

Locks on doors, surveillance, unbreakable furniture, etc.

Also classroom interventions designed to help, but that unfortunately give another message that says, "I don't expect you to behave."

Implication: The child is not capable of controlling his behavior.

Focus on the real problem and a solution to that problem, and then communicate that in clear, specific, behavioral terms. Analyze the following statements. Circle all the unclear communication patterns and classify them (i.e., abstract meaningless directions, questions, x-y contract, etc.) Then rewrite the statement in clear behavioral terms.

Remember what is it that you really want the child to stop doing or start doing so you think the problem is over.

1. (Parent to student) - "You need to go to school and learn something, stupid."

2. (Mother to son) - "You really make me mad. I wish you would just try to be pleasant once in awhile around here."

3. Why do you keep on doing this? Do you like to get spanked?

4. When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me!

5. If you are too busy to take out the garbage, you are too busy to go to the ball game.

6. Does that make you feel better when you talk like that?

7. If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about.

Remember: Look for the evidence to support the belief system.

1. Heredity

2. Emotional illness

3. Deprivation

4. Ignorance (he needs to learn...)

5. Brain damage

6. Defective or inadequate models (parents, peers, teachers)

7. Socioeconomic factors

8. Phases or stages (terrible two's, adolescence, rebellious stage, individuation, etc.)

9. Hyperactive -- AD/HD

10. Normal behavior - "boys will be boys," "that's the way kids are, I was like that as a kid," "temperament," "it's just the kids true nature"

11. Wind or weather

12. Astrology - wrong sign

13. Demanding too much of the student

14. Classroom environment

15. Sexism

16. Racism

17. Syndromes

Summary:

a. Would you let your child act like this? In your home? In church? In school?

b. Does the child's behavior change under observation?

c. If you offered him $1000, could he/she stop doing or start doing what you wanted him/her to do?

d. Have you ever seen the child do what you wanted him to do, at least once?

Even if the belief system were true, would you let the child continue to act the way he is without trying to do something about it? Remember, all learning and socialization is compensation and hard work initially. It gets better and easier over time.

1. If I'm clear, I sound like I'm authoritarian, hostile, nasty, angry-I'm afraid I'll lose it, I'll abuse or hurt him - (examples clear vs. hostile and 1-10, punishment)

2. I'll be just like my parents - I swore I would not raise my kids the way my parents raised me. (Cycle: Bend over backwards - kids do not appreciate it - eventual resentment and anger)

3. Wish to protect the child. I want a better life for them than I had.

4. Personal emotional scars and you try to protect them from such things as drugs, alcohol, abuse, academic failure, physical harm, death, etc.

5. I want the child to love me - they will not love me if I take a stand, come on clear and firm (They might run away - hate me - kill themselves.)

6. The child will be hurt or scarred emotionally, self-esteem, academically (give self-esteem vs. earned self-esteem)

7. I'll be seen as a bad parent - I'll be blamed - I'll be embarrassed, I'll be filed on for child abuse - I'm not a good parent (You know any perfect parents?)

8. Personal values or religious beliefs which state, this is not the way to raise children. You want to raise your child in a better world.

a. Structure and/or control is seen as bad.

b. Children need freedom to express themselves to develop their creativity, intelligence.

c. Children need democracy, choices to learn to be responsible.

d. Children have rights also, they need to express themselves.

e. Children need to express their anger, resentment, sibling rivalry, you don't want to repress their feelings, it will come out in some other way.

9. General feeling - am I doing the right things for my children. There are too many experts I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm not sure what to do or what is right.

1. Believe it is OK for you to make the decision, be in charge, be the boss, be the parent or the teacher. Legitimate power exercised only when needed in important non-negotiable areas of the child's life.

2. See the child as capable of doing what you request. Accept no excuses for inappropriate behavior. Do not let the child/student engage in behaviors that will lead to failure.

3. Tell the child exactly what he/she is to do in concrete, specific, non-hostile, objective behavioral terms.

4. Devise behavioral interventions that stay focused on the solution of the problem and say to the child/student in very clear terms, "I love you and I care about you so much that I will not let you fail, hurt yourself, or make a poor decision in this one area of your life. I will not hurt you, punish you or belittle you, however, I will do whatever is necessary to make sure you are successful."

5. Focus on making the child successful: he does his homework right now rather than if not, no TV for a week; he goes to school, gets good grades and acts appropriately instead of being on restriction.

6. The choice of a good back-up technique is between success or success, not success verses failure. Help them be successful until they get the message they can be successful on their own. (Just like toilet training.)

7. The bottom line message conveyed to the child is, "You must do the desired behavior, there is no way out of doing it. You can count on me, the parent, to help you initially until you learn to do it on your own."

8. Be willing to put in the time and energy to make the goal behavior happen. Be consistent, monitor the behavior and follow through. Demonstrate to the child a 100 percent commitment to changing the behavior. Be willing to pay the price now, not later.

Remember:

The non-punishing intervention either works or it doesn't.

The child either needs your help or he doesn't.

As the child demonstrates good decisions and is successful then back off and give them more freedom and choice.

1. Make a distinction between acquisition and maintenance of skills or behaviors, one you teach for, the other you expect and demand if necessary. (Toilet training example)

2. Intervene early (stop the dance or the sequence of events that leads to the trouble) Are you too tired to deal with it in 15 minutes? Follow the stop-start principle. Stop the inappropriate behavior, start appropriate behavior. Monitor behavior to insure success.

3. Personalize the message, close distance, eye contact, physical non-punishing interventions (hold the child, move them, restrain them, touch) Remember, use as little force or intervention as possible, don't make mountains out of mole hills, don't bring out the cannons to get kids to eat their peas.

4. Say it concretely, specifically and behaviorally and mean it.. Close up the loopholes. Stay with and focus in on X, not the Y's of the world.

5. Be prepared for manipulations or possible ways the child will try to get out of doing what you want them to do. (arguing, crying, pouting, asking "Why", questions your authority, tantrums, threats, depression, you're embarrassing me in front of my friends, etc.)

6. Memorize these two general phrases to get you out of most trouble:

a. "I know that is the way you feel, but that is not the point. ________

b. "Regardless..." (Regardless of who started the fight, don't ever hit your sister again...)

7. Develop the you can count on it, it's a promise, you can count on me to be a parent attitude.

8. Make the problem harder to have than to change.

9. Know where your children are, who they are with, is there adult supervision, are they safe. If not, intervene.

A. DECIDE ON THE SPECIFIC BEHAVIORS OF THE CHILD THAT ARE TO BE CHANGED:

1. It is better if both parents agree and are willing to support each other on this. (Even if you have marital difficulties in other areas, agree to work together in this one area for the child's well being and success.)

2. Make the goal clear and specific ("Go to school each day, stay in school, do all your work, and get nothing less than straight C's", vs. "You have an attitude problem", or "I want you to work up to your potential".)

3. Break the goal into manageable units ("Do these 10 math problems neatly and correctly within the next 15 minutes, then I'll check them with you.")

4. Monitor behavior. If the student is not being successful, that is a clear message that he needs more help and guidance from you to insure that he is successful.

B. OBSTACLES TO CLEAR DEMANDS:

1. Am I sure he/she is capable of this behavior?

a. What possible "excuses" for him/her have I been entertaining? (hyperactive, normal behavior, "boys will be boys", stages of development, "terrible two's", his/her friends make him/her do it, he can't help himself, he's bored, he is just like his Dad, it's because of the divorce, etc.)

b. What objective observable evidence do I have to support these "excuses" to determine if in fact they are true?

c. Have I ever seen my child do this goal behavior before? If so, then he/she is capable of doing it again.

2. Am I sure that this is a reasonable and essential goal?

a. Am I willing to let the child make the decision on this (negotiable vs. non-negotiable)?

b. If I am willing to let the child make the decision, can I do it without resentment, hostility, anger, or blaming?

c. Am I willing to put in the time and energy to follow through on this goal to make it happen if he/she does not want to do it?

3. How is this child going to manipulate me? (Arguing, crying, pouting, asking "why", questioning my parenting skills or my right to do this, tantrums, threats to run away, kill himself, etc.)

a. Did I do this as a child? How did I react to my parents' attempts to deal with my manipulations?

b. What will I say, and how might I deal with these manipulations?

C. SAY IT, MEAN IT, AND BACK IT UP WITH NON-PUNISHING TECHNIQUES

Remember, the bottom line is: the child needs a very clear, specific, concrete, direct message and follow-up technique that tells him, "I love you so much that I will not allow you to be unsuccessful. You must do this behavior, and there is no way out of doing what is required."

Remember: After the child knows what is expected, tell him once, then back it up. Keep all back-up techniques focused on accomplishing the main goal (i.e. doing the homework, stop hitting the sister, etc.) instead of punishing the child in some way.

1. Problem area: state your goals for change and/or solution to the problem

(Is this important? How important is it to change? Then make it happen and don't back off.)

2. First intervention

Anticipated response of the child

3. Second intervention or back-up

Anticipated response

4. Third intervention

Anticipated response

Etc.

Development of back-up support:

General plan - (If initial interventions do not work, what do you need to do to back it up to make sure it works? Who do you need to help you? Develop a plan with them and get their agreement for their support.)

___Spouse ___Teachers ___Coach

___Grandparents ___Principal/counselors ___Church

___Neighbors ___Social services ___Support groups

___Probation

Remember: Within a context of care and love, don't back off. There is no way out. It has to happen because the child is prized, is important, and loved. If you back off it says, "I don't care, you are not that important."

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